Does CPAP (Continuous positive airway pressure) therapy prevent alien abductions? It’s a question I’ve been pondering for a few weeks. Why? Because I lack meaning in my life, obviously.

Joking aside, it has been on my mind. While I’ve never been abducted, I do wear a CPAP machine to sleep. So, each night, as the whirl of positive air pressure fills my nostrils, I wonder, “If the mothership were over my home right now, would I be safe?”

There are a few perspectives to mull the question over from:

1. Alien abductions are real and a physical phenomenon.
2. Alien abductions are real but a mental/ spiritual phenomenon.
3. Alien abductions are not real and result from hallucinations, dreams, etc.

Aliens Aren’t Real

This point is the simplest to examine. CPAP therapy is used to treat sleep apnea, a disorder that causes breathing to repeatedly stop and start while sleeping. One of the causes of sleep paralysis, which occurs when the conscious mind wakes while the paralytic effects of REM sleep and dreams are active, is entering a hyper-vigilant state – which can be caused by airway blockages.

Ergo, sleep apnea can cause hyper-vigilant sleep paralysis episodes, in which a panicked patient’s dreaming brain creates the classic alien abduction episode as a response to their obstructed breathing during REM sleep. Therefore, when CPAP therapy is used to treat sleep apnea, the cause of a patient’s sleep paralysis episodes is gone, and so is the possibility of alien abductions.

CPAP: 1, Aliens: 0

Aliens are Physically Real

Here’s where things get interesting – and silly – because we’re left with two logical choices. One, aliens abduct CPAP therapy patients and deal with their CPAP devices. Two, aliens view CPAP machines as too much of a hassle, so do not abduct.

I greatly enjoy the image of a gaggle of extraterrestrials throwing their hands up at the sight of a person’s CPAP machine and mask. “We’re paid to probe, not deal with hoses,” balk the Martians.

The humorous notion leads us back to the first question: If someone on CPAP therapy is abducted, the aliens obviously must unhook them from their CPAP machine to take them. I suppose there is a possibility patient and CPAP machine are both taken, but the idea leans too far into the silly to seriously entertain.

The humorous notion leads us back to the first question: If someone on CPAP therapy is abducted, the aliens obviously must unhook them from their CPAP machine to take them. I suppose there is a possibility patient and CPAP machine are both taken, but the idea leans too far into the silly to seriously entertain.

So, if the aliens are unhooking CPAP therapy patients from their CPAP machines, they are either reattaching patients to their machines upon return or leaving them unhooked.

In my cursory research into this absurd line of thought, I’ve found one example of a person who awoke to find themselves disconnected from their CPAP device, with their mask tucked neatly on their bedside table. Though puzzled, the poster on CPAPtalk.com’s forum did not assume alien abduction, and other members attributed it to either sleepwalking or the person removing their mask while half-awake and forgetting – each answer more likely than aliens.

The main problem with the physical alien CPAP question is the pervasive notion that aliens are trying to cover their tracks. If the same aliens who utilize screen memories to hide their actions leave CPAP machines unhooked, doesn’t that negate secrecy? These advanced beings must know that a person will question how their mask was removed upon waking. CPAP devices are designed to withstand the usual tosses and turns a person does while sleeping, after all.

So, we’re left with the conclusion that if a CPAP therapy patient is abducted, then the aliens are unhooking and reattaching the patient to their CPAP device. It might be a hassle, but the aliens see value in it.

CPAP: 1, Aliens: 1

Woo-Woo Aliens

The aliens are real but not physical idea posits that these beings are ethereal. They may be embodiments of some collective unconscious or manifestations from another realm. Either way, the general idea behind abductions from these beings holds that the abductee never really goes anywhere. A person’s astral form or mental self is invaded upon while their physical body rests safely in bed.

This line of questioning is the most interesting to ponder, as it turns CPAP machines into possible memetic monkey wrenches.

What I mean by that is the mental self of a sleeping CPAP patient includes their CPAP, just as your current mental self is wearing what you’re wearing. For example, if you’re wearing pants and someone asked you to draw yourself, you’d draw yourself with pants. That’s an oversimplified example, but we all know the intrinsic link between the physical body and mind. When I imagine myself sleeping at night, it includes my CPAP machines because that’s what I need to sleep well.

So, suppose a CPAP patient were to be mentally intruded upon by these ethereal aliens. In that case, the beings would not only encounter the same dilemmas as the physical aliens regarding removing the CPAP, but there would be the added issue of the abductee realizing the disconnect between their physical, CPAP-equipped body and CPAP-less mental self. Then, just as people do when normally dreaming, they’ll either awaken due to the inconsistent logic or become lucid enough to take control of the situation. Thus, the memetic monkey wrench.

Further, if an abducted CPAP patient did escape their captors thanks to the memetic CPAP realization, that notion would always be in the back of their minds, increasing the likelihood of it happening in subsequent abductions. Much in the same way lucid dreamers learn the in-dream signs that they’re asleep, a CPAP patient abductee could learn to check for their mask to reestablish the body-mind connection, ending the mental intrusion of ethereal aliens.

So, the question then would be, do the aliens see a benefit in dealing with the memetic CPAP risk? One would have to assume these aliens would want to minimize obstacles and prioritize efficiency – it would be all around easier to abduct non-CPAP therapy patients.

To wit, another poster on CPAPtalk.com relayed a dream they had in which aliens visited them. In the dream, they were wearing their CPAP mask and said that once the aliens realized it, they left them alone. The poster only considered it an interesting dream, not a genuine abduction attempt, but it’s a great example of the mind-body connection and memetic CPAP machine.

CPAP: 2, Aliens: 1

Conclusion: CPAP Prevents Alien Abductions

In all three thought experiments, CPAP therapy holds potential as a possible alien abduction deterrent. Even in the physical alien abduction scenario, CPAP devices could be too much of a hassle for aliens to want to put up with. In both other cases, CPAP therapy shows strong promise. CPAP devices either outright stop abductions by treating the underlying cause of sleep paralysis or create a mental obstacle and memetic escape route in the case of ethereal alien abductions.

So, CPAP therapy patients can breathe easy knowing they’re likely safe from otherworldly bedroom intruders.  

Let me know what you think, dear reader. I would love to hear real-life examples or learn if someone has seriously researched this inane line of questioning. Leave a comment or write to me at Walker@DriftlessTimesMedia.com.